This is more of a rant/vent about quite a lot of shit that Im going through right now and I thought this is the best place suited for this, so be warned its going to be a long post. I am also going to mix Depression/Dysphoria and not write of them seperately, since its usually a mixture of the rest of my depression and Dysphoria about feeling like a fucking guy that makes my live to hell. While they are seperate things they usually come together to haunt me, so I will call it just Depression or Dysphoria, so keep in mind its always a mix of both.
So, a lot of you probably have read my previous posts regarding the problem I have with my parents. All of this shit has triggered quite a lot of depression and also panic attacks. Since new year I can probably count on one hand how often I have been visiting lectures at university. I have/had days, where something as simple as having people around me while eating lunch (probably like 30 minutes in total) causes me to literally lie in bed for 2h staring at my closed eyelids being unable to get myself to do anything, wishing I would simply stop existing, so my suffering ends. Even if I would like to do something I know that is fun, theres no chance I get the willpower to actually do it. Fulfilling basic human needs like eating turn into quite a chore during my depressed phases.
Most days are not as bad as described above, but Im lucky if I have more than 1-2 days a week, where I am not feeling terrible. The only good thing is, that the depression usually waits till the evening to haunt me, so I still got some time of the day left, where doing something is actually fun. Someone might think "If you're only depressed in the evening but the rest of the day is usually fine, then just go to sleep to sleep through the depression." Well, here comes the next problem. Since I have nothing that forces me out of bed at a resonable time I usually end up staying up quite late (yesterday has been my new negative record with 4am until I went to bed) and then stand up quite late (usually between 10-12 am). Any attempt at fixing my sleep schedule either ends after one day, or just doesnt happen. Even if I tell myself "I am going to bed early today" theres like this inner force that literally stops me from even attempting to go to sleep (and from getting tired, even melatonin doesnt really work that reliable as it did before). Its like if I am scared of sleeping but that doesnt really make sense, since I usually sleep quite well and I dont have nightmares (I usually dont dream anything). That means that I will end up staying all night hoping I can tickle a little bit of dopamine out of my brain-wrinkles hoping that I am not feeling like a complete piece of shit.
This brings me to my next problem: While talking or playing friends with games usually helps to some extent they have something that drags them out of bed early, so they always go to bed before me. Once I am no longer able to do stuff with them this asshole of Depression that has been waiting in the corner the whole time comes back to annoy me. So now is the question: What do you do if you're depressed, cant really sleep (yet), games arent really fun to play (and a lot of other stuff too) and youre friends are all asleep? You guessed it, smoking weed.
A tale as old as time. I was a stoner before depression got to bad, but since new year (after the somewhat breakup with my parents) my consumption has increased rapidly from getting stoned every weekend to almost daily, to combat depression. I know it is dumb and not a permanent solution, but when you have the chance between feeling like shit for the rest of the day and sparking up a joint causing depression to go away in about 10 minutes its quite an easy choice. Weed also allows me to "feel the girl in me". I cant really explain it, but when Im stoned I usually feel much more in touch with her. This causes my habit of getting stoned to become so bad I actively have to force myself to not get stoned and if its just for the sake of doing some form of break, so that my tolerance doesnt get to high, so I can get decently stoned at the night club on the weekend. "But if you cant control yourself, just throw it out", well guess what doesnt really work. If I lock it up somewhere I will simply get it back and if I dont have any weed at all, I will simply buy new weed. Even if its just as a form of "backup" if a day gets to bad I still have weed as a way to become functional again. I have absolutely zero problem with staying sober on days Im not depressed.
The pace at which my mental health is declining is in fact quite worrying and I have fucking no idea, how the fuck I am supposed to stay somewhat functional if this keeps going in the pace it currently does. I am searching for a therapist, but knowing my luck and wait times in Germany I am not expecting to find something anytime soon and this makes me scared. I have no idea where the fuck most of my depression comes from, so I dont know how to counteract it and for those things where I know where it comes from I have no idea how to solve them and just thinking about them makes me feel bad.
Thanks for coming to my TED-Talk.
