cows_are_underrated

So as some of you probably seen, I finally started HRT and I am absolutely loving it. I am doing some higher doses for the beginning to get my levels up fast (5mg every 3 days for 3 injections and then 5mg every 7 days) and I am starting to feel the first emotional changes happening. I am feeling my inner girl without drugs for the first time in my life. I have never experienced this level of joy and happiness before. The level of Euphoria just looking at my beautiful nails gives me is insane. Im also currently at the edge of crying just from listening to some music. It feels absolutely fantastic. I did knew roughly what HRT would bring me emotionally, but not even in my wildest dreams could I have Imagined this level of Euphoria and happiness. Theres no realy way to put this into words without repeating myself a million times.

Anyway, I wish all of you girlies a wonderfull day and for all of my sisters out there struggling with dysphoria and waiting for HRT: Stay strong, it gets better 💖🫂

I am finally able to feel like a real girl an not just a boy in girl clothes. It also requires me geing alone, so I dont speak and doesnt get braought back to reality by voice dysphoria. Im also connecting much more consistent, when being stoned.....

Im hoping for this to happen more often since im now on HRT.

Gonna come out to my entire social circle in the village I am originally from. This means coming out to 30 people at once and hope it goes well :3

Update: it went well, did not receive any negative "feedback", but got some compliments on being so brave to do that in this round.

My Syringes came in via mail today and so I did my first injection right away. Since Im doing Monotherapy I started with 5mg to see where it leads me. This was also the first time injecting myself with anything. It was kinda scary, but next time it will be way easier.

Voice Dysphoria is fucking annoying. I absolutely hate, to become more or less Dysphoria the moment I speak to much, or listen to closely to my voice. Voice training itself is annoying as hell (I Am about to start, so wish me luck I can push through), but it gets even worse to have to listen to closely to your voice, which again induces dysphoria . Probably my second least wanted Dysphoria, right after intense Bottom dysphoria where I once literally wanted to Rio that disgusting thing off.

This is more of a venting post, so be prepared.

My situation is the following. I come from a small village, but mainly live in a bigger town for university. This means, that I have 2 social circles that have no connection with each other. In the town I live I have outed myself against almost any person I have regular contact with, and live my day to day life as a woman (even tho I boymode about 100% of the time due to me not having that much girl clothes (shit is expensive)). Even if I dont live at my home village I do still have somewhat regular contact with the people there (I am active in the mucis club and in the fishing club), however, I have not done a single coming out in that village. The reason for this is, that the village is known for being quite a shithole in terms of spawning rumours about quite literally anything. Since I want to minimise this I want to do my coming out to the majority of people I interact with all at the same time. This way they all know the same, they all know the truth and I dont have the problem, that rumours spread faster than I can do my coming out and people start to ask unpleasant questions and therefore force me to do my coming out. Since the fishing club is quite inactive I am mainly talking about the musics club in the rest of this post.

Now whats the best time/place to do your coming out with a big group so that all of them at the same time. My first thought was that I just do it on one of the regular rehearsals of the musics club. This plan has two giant flaws. The first one is, that I am absolutely terrible at speaking up in a conversation to announce that I am trans (tried that several times, always chickened out). While this might be managable the second flaw isnt. Not all people that are part of the club are present at all rehearsals. So this would again cause, that only a small group would know what I said directly and get the chance to ask questions. So I dumped that plan and instantly realised, that theres a single day per year, where all (or almost all) people of the club are present in a single room, in a setting that is a bit more formal, where everyone who wants to say something gets the chance to do this: The general assembly, that every club in germany has to do once a year. It consists of multiple standard points that have to be done (basically requirements by the law) and one last point called miscellanelous. Under this point Everyone who has Ideas, that should be discussed, or who wants to make an announcement like me, gets the chance to do so, while everyone is listening.

This years general assembly happens next week on Saturday. This is my chance to complete my coming out. In theory I could also wait another year, but this massively conflicts with my other plans. If I would go with official HRT I would have to wait one year, so this would be on track with waiting another year, but I dont want to live two lives for another year and I am planning on doing DIY HRT (blood work is on the way and already ordered my hormones) and while only visiting once a month at max theres no way I can hide the process for one whole year. So basically this is my only chance if I want to escape the unpleasant questions.

Now you might be asking what this title has to do with all of this. Well, today there was an event from that club where I was present. Since I was lazy and had in mind, that I am doing my coming out next week I still had my nails painted (but only one hand) in a quite beautiful, but relatively neutral, dark blue. The amounts of jokes I had to hear about my nails was in fact quite concerning. If something this simple like a little bit of paint on one of the smallest parts of my body sparks such a big wave of jokes, what the hell is gonna happen if I really do my coming out. I kind of dont want to be forced to leave this club behind me, just because they are not accepting. Even just thinking about this sends a shiver down my spine. One thing is safe. Even if I dont really like alcohol, it will be 100% necessary for me to not chicken out. Good thing I dont drink that much, so if I am chugging down 3-4 beers until my time is coming I should feel it quite a bit and should be able to make use of the increased bravery it provides so I am not chickening out. This is probably the scariest thing I have done in my entire life.......

Edit; One thing I should add is, that the people in said village tend to be much more on the conservative side of the political spectrum.

Currently the amount of Dysphoria I have is relatively low and while this sounds kinda nice it makes transitioning more difficult. I know that I am trans, but due to having little Dysphoria I dont always have recent "evidence" of being trans (I know for sure I am trans, but Dysphoria is kind of like the most obvious sign of being trans), it always feels like I am "faking" it. I know how bad my Dysphoria has been, I do sometimes have minor to medium levels of Dysphoria, I have one hell of a backlog (even written down), but since all of this happened quite some time ago, it feels like it was just a phase (which it isnt).

The main problem this causes is, that actually transitioning now gets extra hard, because this current state of not having to do that much is relatively comfortable. I know that I want to transition, but especially when thinking about doing DIY it becomes extra scary, because in the hypothetical case, that I am not trans doing HRT has long term consequences. And since my Dysphoria is so small it is not enough of an incentive to rush through transition and actually do something.

So basically, my mind is annoying and makes me think that I am not trans, due to lack of Dysphoria.

So recently I realised, that the more I transition I Am starting to resonate with women way more than I do with men. Its literally almost every aspect. Conversations are a bit more - let me call it like that - "soft". No/less crude jokes, less talking while someone else speaks, more friendly vibes and so on. I also would 100% lie, that I didnt like it quite a lot when women ask about where I got my nail polish (I got a huge box with nail polish in it (from a friend) and there is one really cool looking red metallic one and quite regularly when I wear it other women ask about it). I had this realisation this weekend, when I was at an event where I knew no one (the event was 4 days long) and I realised that I kinda dont like socialising with men nearly as much as I do with women. I pretty much had the fun of my life simply because some of the women there were absolutely amazing.

I did it, I finally was able to start the process of changing my name and gender legally. Now it takes just 3 more months until the change becommes official. It feels so fucking awesome knowing that I just need 3 more months to be able to change my name and gender everywhere and not having to use my deadname anywhere at all. It fills me with so much euphoria.

Tl; dr: Had a discussion with my parents, that resulted in them spitting one hell of a lot of transphobic shit, and I ended up harming myself a bit because of it (nothing serious though, just hurt myself without injuring).

So two yesterday they (or I, I dont know anymore) brought me being trans up again. This the resulted in an about 20 minute long discussion, that derailed quite fast. They know that I want to start HRT (but dont know, that I gonna start DIY soon), and are absolutely no fans of it. They did told me in the past, that they belief, that I got talked into it and that I should wait with HRT until I finish university. It was hurtful, but not so bad, that I couldnt handle it. So anyways, back on topic. The topic quickly turned to HRT and they said, that I should be careful, because my mother saw a video of people who regretted it due to health issues. So I basically gave them a short info about what risks exist, how you monitor them, why the pill is more dangerous and why monotherapy is basically harmless. Do you think, these fuckers remembered a single word out of it? No, they didnt. They literally said "You dont know what risks exist", after i fucking explained all of them. They also brought out the ultimative counterargument "You dont know if you arent one of those people who have complications". Yeah. What the fuck? They completely ignored all the shit I said. They also told me, numerous times, that I got talked into it. Either by the Internet, then by the political leftwing party Im part of and then by my social circle. When I explained, that literally no one spoke with me about it ever, they said "But those circles are are quite into the 'trans hype'". I explained to them what dysphoria feels like for me (hating yourself and how you are seen) and got "That sounds like you learned that by heart" as a response. They equated me being trans with my old hobbies, that I no longer have a big interest in, or with "Back then fashion xyz was very in". They also told me, that since I havent "lived as a man and exerted masculinity" (which they equate with sex, while they are technically right its actually a very wild assumption to make) I should try that first and see if I like it, before becoming a woman. The last thing that my dad brought up was the worst of all. He said, that for him this thought "I want to be a woman" does not exist (yeah kinda normal for a cis person was my first thought), BECAUSE "nature did not intended this and only made two genders". I literally felt physical pain hearing this. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE, WHAT SEAHORSES AND CLOWNFISHES DO? That statement could not be wrong any more. The discussion ended after that and I sent my father a documentary about Queerness in the animal world.

They also said quite a lot of other shit too, but that would require to much explanatory work, but I guess you can imagine how much better it made everything for me (it didnt).

The worst thing is, that they legitimately think, that they are doing good things to me. They always tell me "We accept you and dont want to talk you out of it, but want to give you "thought provoking impulses" to prevent you from something you might regret". I dont think I have to explain it any more, right?

Fast Forward a couple hours. I am lying in bed just chilling and I could feel the dysphoria creeping up on me, as I thought about that discussion again. While the dysphoria was not the worst I ever experienced it still caused quite some physical pain for me. It also newly introduced me to the feeling of absolutely fucking hating my body. I had such an intense disgust for it, I never experienced before. At some point, I realised that I still had a scissor lying next to me, that I used to clean of the dirt below my fingernails. I also realised, that a scissor can be used to hurt yourself without cutting you (or causing any damage to the skin), by stabbing yourself with it or scratching yourself really hard. While the pain this resulted in, was nowhere near being enough to minimise the pain my dysphoria caused, it made my desire to destroy this disgusting body I had to be born into even worse. I then quickly realised, that this isnt that much of a healthy mindset and instead tried to fall asleep (didnt go that well, but ended up working at some point).

I am so insanely frustrating. We are having the same dumb discussions for months now (but usually not nearly as bad as this one), and they seem to not understand a single thing. They say the same stupid shit every single time. It makes me wanting to stay away from them even worse, but sadly I cant really stay away from them 100% of the time. This discussion also made me really scare for when they are going to find out, that I am doing DIY. Are they gonna kick me out? Idk, but I hope they dont. They also made me reconsider starting DIY, not because I dont want to or think its risky, but simply because Im scard of them finding out (dont worry tho, I will do it, but they made me reconsider for a short time). I am also not looking forward to when I gonna force them to use my new name and pronouns in November. This will probably spark one hell of a lot of discussions that will all go horrible.

I am 100% going to contact one of the near trans "Help/Info Organisations" and ask them if they have anything, that might help them to get more accepting, because it cant continue like this.