Cephalotrocity

All I'm seeing is a warning about an army of super-cats flying ahead.

GD freak of nature. Pick a side Platypus! We're at war! 🥰

I did once but he started dragging his ass all over the carpets.

I wish my Branch Manager worked this hard.

Feline Resources actually.

and yet, if I turn my head the 'wrong way' in bed I'm debilitated for days.

There's a lot in here (implied or otherwise) re:relationship that just screams 'you are not happy'. cat aside, I would sit down and think about that.

As for the kitten. They really aren't as hands-on as you make them sound. Have you ever had a cat before? Cat's are one of, if not the most independent pets you can get. Provide food/water, and keep their waste area clean is pretty much all you need to do. That said there are things you can do that will improve the quality of life for both you and the cat:

• Give it high places to hang out. You can buy or make your own Cat stands that have platforms way up high for them to perch, and also make good scratching posts. Put one next to a large window (preferably one that gets lots of sun) and you'll know where the cat is 80% of the day. Advanced setups where the cat has walkways around the entire house above head level will make the cat very happy, but this is a bit much for beginners.

• Provide it with warm spots. At least a mat where sun through a window shines (or that aforementioned carpeted stand)

• Spend time with the cat whenever it is willing AND you are able. Give the cat space when it isn't interested in you, and set the cat aside when it is and you are busy. My favourite toy to play with cats is a laser pointer but, this is very important, you need to let the cat 'win' at the end or you will cause mental distress. End the play session with the cat pouncing on the laser dot on a treat so it thinks it has caught prey.

• A packet of catnip toys (eg: little mice), more so when the cat is an adult will help to keep it entertained. I've heard they love balls of yarn but have never given one to my cats before.

If the kitten harasses you as much as you claim this might indicate the kitten is insecure due to being separated from its mother too early. The only thing I can suggest for this is that you and your fiance reward it (with a very short pet session or treat) when it is calm and comfy somewhere not bothering you. See the cat snuggled on the couch minding its own business? Take the time to give it a quick pat on the head and a soft 'good kitty' every once and a while. This will help teach it boundaries and 'independence'.

If it is still adamant it needs to spend time with you while you're working at the computer, teach it to climb on your shoulder or sit on your lap (maybe get a pillow for it to lay on while you work).

In the end, you sound stressed. Let me just say that once you bond there are few things more stress relieving than a cat nuzzling into your neck with a roaring purr in your ear. Cat purring has even been show to decrease injury recovery time even!

My condolences for your loss.

Clearly the look of "make no mistake cur, you will pay for this".

TBH I'd love to be carried around in a soda case too.

I love donuts more unfortunately.