So after I recently received news that my GRS coverage was denied which means that surgery is not a few months but likely years away, I spiralled pretty hard. And by pretty hard, I mean more than ever. The last three weeks, I've been more depressed than ever. Even more than before HRT. Because I was climbing a mountain, came close to the top and then it suddenly moved. I started smoking again for self-harm like I did before HRT. I stayed in bed for hours and hours, more than I've ever done. I either don't eat at all or overeat. I broke down crying in public multiple times in the first week after the news. I became scared of going outside because I didn't want everyone to see me cry again. I cried every morning after waking up for 10 days.
It's gotten better now. A bit. Reality is still the same, I'm still in complete despair at the thought of having to bear a penis for such a long time. I contemplated suicide for the first time in years. I'm not doing well at all, but in an attempt to see the positives and the good sides of life, I want to write a list with the things that I've managed in the 18 months that I'm on HRT and seriously transitioning now (It's on the day, actually! I started on March 13 2024). I had this idea when I read my HRT diary (highly recommend keeping one). I'm only allowing positives here, no particular order.
- I'm almost done with my Master's degree and will finish it in March with a very good grade (if I'm still alive then)
- I started writing and performing my prose and was able to put my experience into words that have moved crowds of up to 80 people
- I cried, a lot. I accessed my emotions for the first time since childhood
- I've been wearing my long natural nails for almost all of HRT and still regularly get compliments on them
- I developed friendships with my female friends that run deeper than I ever imagined friendship could go
- I finally felt allowed to send heart emojis without feeling like implying something romantic
- I've allowed myself to become so much softer in spirit
- I started taking care of my body and hygiene
- I grew cute little boobs I love. It feels right to have to protect my chest
- I can wear the clothes I want to wear every day without being hate crimed (well, except for if they're tight in the crotch... :( )
- I went on a date with a man this week, we sat down in a bar and the waiter asked: "And for the lady?", looking at me
- I changed my name officially and haven't been misgendered by anyone outside my family since March this year
- I got some cool tattoos I always wanted but didn't want looking like a man because I felt they were toxic. I love them
- I now have girl legs
- My hairline has started coming back
- I permitted myself to buy so many purple things. So many
- I have gone to a beauty salon twice now and the lady there was nice to me and not transphobic. I felt safe there and loved the treatment
- I now allow myself to not know things or not be able to do them. I lost the inner pressure of competence I always felt before transition (this is a bit misogynistic)
- I discovered that I like BDSM and whipping men lol
- I learned what it means to be desired and wanted
- I feel so free to just wear what I like and love how much fun fashion has become. It's become my lifeline and one of my favourite hobbies.
- I felt like a complete person for the first time
- I learned what unconditional love (by friends) is
- Women now sit next to me on the train, without hesitation
- I learned what it feels like to not be perceived as a threat in public
- People look at me now not only because I look weird but because I look hot and cool
- I'm celebrating my birthday next week and I only invited friends I see regularly and would consider someone I'd reach out to when I need help. I invited 18 people. This is a blessing.
- I learned what it feels like to speak with another trans person and just understand each other without words immediately
- I learned that however alone I feel, I am not truly alone and that my mind is trying to trick me into despair
- I dared to get a nose job and am so so much happier with my face now
- I don't have problems going to a hairdresser anymore because they won't be confused why I want a feminine haircut
- I'm not scared in the drugstore anymore when I look at the makeup section. The first few times made me throw up and I only managed a few seconds. Now I feel like I belong
- Sometimes, strangers (always women) smile at me on the street. I'm still so surprised by that that I don't manage to smile back in time, often
- People have started giving me the benefit of the doubt. I haven't been shouted at or criticised in months
- I learned what it feels like to live longer than I ever imagined I would
- I dared to go against my conservative parents and upbringing and tried to find happiness in a game of life that has the odds stacked against me
- It doesn't look weird anymore when I'm at home just wearing a t-shirt with no pants
I think this is my list, for now. There's probably lots of things I forgot but honestly, just writing it down helped. Maybe y'all want to comment your lists?
