I was transfered to a specialist to start a new non-trans related medication. We had a zoom meeting and went through some test results before asking "is there any chance your pregnant?"
I laughed and said that wasn't possible. She looked confused and started reading something on her other monitor. She muttered "Progesterone...?" and looking confused before turning back to me. "Okay Ma'am, just to be clear, you do NOT have a uterus correct?"
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Understanding yourself as trans, and deciding to transition are two very different things. I have the privilege to go out in the world as myself, but trans folk in various middle eastern countries would be killed for doing so. I am no more or less trans than any of them purely because of my context. Lots of trans women are not out to their jobs, so the are only themselves on the weekend. It's tragic, but maintaining personal safety will always take priority.
Which is why I think moving slowly and making sure you KNOW what makes you happy, before deciding to let others know this aspect of yourself. Worrying about her reaction is putting the cart before the horse.
But let's say the day comes where you do KNOW and want someone you love to know who you are. That's also a baby step.
So during the androgynous middle ground which might take years to get through, she will not find me physically attractive in the slightest.
Well, that sounds like fear and anxiety talking to me but I won't presume to know your wife. However if she is bi, than I can't imagine she is so rigid in gender roles that she would hate you for stepping outside of them. And even if so, have you considered perhaps not changing your gender and place in the world right this moment, but just changing yourself? Doing something FOR yourself. You already mentioned wanting to go on HRT, but that doesn't mean coming out. The majority of trans women on HRT for years before talking to their family.
Just know that are options for life post-egg crack. None are wrong, or better than each other and I couldn't tell you what is right for you. But I do know that that it's not selfish to find happiness. If you are posting here, then I think you owe it to yourself to begin exploring. Just for no other reason to understand yourself better.
Okay most importantly, the only person who can answer this question is you. You gotta look deep into yourself and see what truly makes you happy. I know that's not helpful but the real answer is always going to be baby steps and lots of self check-ins.
Once I had my own egg crack moment, I just started trying on different type of clothes, see what made me happy, what made feel bad and especially what made me feel nothing at all. Then after deciding on things that made ME happy, I went out by myself to see how it felt to be viewed differently. I won't lie, there was good moments but there were lots of scary ones too. But every time I got back home, I just wanted to do it again. Things got better slowly not because the world had changed, but how I have changed when I interacted with it. Again privately, I started adding make up, jewlery and wigs. Every new thing just made me excited to go outside and less scared of anyone who made me feel crappy, because I just felt so damn good myself. Going to the grocery store, to the movies, etc. Eventually a stranger called me "miss" and it damn near stopped my heart. So I made the next step of telling the people in my immediate circle that I wanted to use "she/her" and that took them some time, but the people in my life that valued my happiness stayed, those who didn't... well clearly I wasn't a priority to them, so why were we even friends? That's fundamental to ANY relationship.
Then came a month of me deciding on names.
Then a month of trying on labels, like "trans woman", "non-binary" or "femme".
Then starting HRT.
Then changing those labels and names when I realized a better fit.
Then a year or so legally changing my name.
All slowly, all baby steps, all finding out what in your heart-of-hearts make you happy. There is no wrong answer to happiness. Only what harms other, and dressing in a way that makes you happy ABSOLUTELY IS NOT harming anyone. Existing is not a crime.
Here I am several years later, still following the things that make me happy. Movies and TV will show trans people as "getting the surgery" and then blamo, brand new person. That's fiction, it's always a slow, delibrate and introspective process.
I've love friends, relationships, but I have a new family I know cares for me and a new wife that loves me for exactly who I am, not who she wants me to be. I haven't stopped looking for new things that might make my happy... but why should I ever? Why should you ever? Should anybody!? That's life! So go start experimenting with what makes you feel joy! You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to the people who care about you. Realizing that something makes you happy and then NOT depriving yourself only fosters resentment.
So whoever you are, I'm excited and delighted that you're asking these questions. I hope this is the start of something big, that five years from now you'll look back on and laugh. Like I do half a decade later. And if you decide that all of this was a mistake, that's okay too, well now you know! That's an amazing achievement too!
Another white cis gay man dusting his hands off and says "Well I got mine" then pulls up the ladder behind him.
Dear transphobes,
If her parents picked her sex and gender, why can't Vivian do the same? Parental expectations mean nothing when compared against individual happiness. How could her life mean more to any other person than to she herself?
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(No) love,
me
As a trans person, I'm not the biggest fan of these stickers. I just don't think it will change any minds of transphobes, seems more likely to make them angrier and more prone to ask if a person should be in... "their" bathroom.
It's not my intent to tone police or criticize, everyone should do as they see best. I've seen these irl and it's not like I tear them off, I just think they are more self gratification than activism. But even saying that, in these fucked up times, any trans joy is worthwhile.
Well I'm already disabled and vegan so I figured this was the next logical stpe in making life complicated.
My hair is receding, idk if starting a low dose earlier instead of an avg dose later would help me keep more of it?
Unambiguously yes. I implore you to start HRT as soon as possible if for no other reason than this alone.
Congrats on the egg crack and I'm so fucking sorry to hear about your parents. But, what you do with your body is your choice and only your choice. Coming out to them, if ever, is a totally different hurdle than taking medication that makes you feel better in your body.
I was so scared of taking HRT at first too, it feels like such a giant step. But my only regret was waiting as long as I did. Just a shade under three years now and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Physical changes are one thing, and slower than any of us would like but holy heck are mental and hormonal are it's own bliss!
If you can go to a doctor and get blood levels first, that would be for the best. They will start you on a lower dose that builds up. But, having said that the majority of trans women are on 200mg estradiol and 100 mg spironolactone each twice a day. I hope you do not have to go underground to get your medication, but I urge you to not delay. You're future self will thank you. If it eases your mind, just remember the vast majority of changes will stop AND revert if you decide to stop taking HRT.
Look gorg Gorg! Very cute and casual.
Happy birthday gorg!
The best advice I could give is to follow your happiness first, the label second. When I first started experimenting i felt like men's clothing was a chain so I tried more women's, read gender trouble decided that agender made the most sense for me and wore whatever I wanted. It wasn't until a few months of that did a stranger greet me as "Ma'am" and it sorts stopped my heart.
Once I realized being seen as a woman made me happy, why stop? Why EVER stop? Labels don't define who we are, but they are helpful little handholds to communicate with others. So instead of telling people that I am non-binary agender who enjoys traditional femininity, I say "woman" because that's just easier for everyone. That doesn't mean it's the only way you could describe me, but it's the one that makes life easier.
Am I "trans"? I don't feel "cis", but I feel like calling myself trans just isn't accurate and is inappropriate. Is there any other option?
Would other trans people consider me "trans"?
If this helps, I assure you that no trans person will ever accuse you of "stolen valor" for questioning and figuring yourself out. This is a super duper common experince we all have at some point, and if all you can say for sure is that you don't feel cis that's more than enough! Labels exists only so others can understand you better, figure yourself out first! If all you know is queer and questioning well that's more than enough! There is no wrong answers and only you can decide on what's the right one.
I know this is hard, but I'm proud of anyone who interrogates themselves to see what's truly inside. I'm proud of you for making this post! But try not to worry about what others may feel, focus more on how their perception makes YOU feel. Gender is a performance, but you yourself are the audience.
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