chosensilence

ayyy!~ i don't run into a lot of nb transfems. :3

hmm.. noted, thank you. i've heard of Finasteride. i don't know how to have this conversation with a physician though. i am becoming increasingly nervous at pursuing any form of documented transitioning given our current administration as well.

good to know. i’m not knowledgeable on what medications i would be on as a non-binary transfem; something to talk about i guess if i pursue this.

i hate my body hair ugh. does it get thinner at least?

i see what you're saying, definitely, and i have taken several steps myself at affirming my identity. i also legally changed my name a while ago to a more androgynous spelling of my already-chosen name. i dress femininely in private and around my boyfriend and friends and stores nearby lol. i try to be me in little pieces. i don't know how far i think this is going to go.. i don't know if i'm a transwoman or this is just how it's going to be for me; a transfem non-binary person who views himself as male but womanly. it's not like that isn't possible.

ah well hey, that's rather encouraging. thank you for sharing. i'll need to talk all of this through with a therapist. i know that is my best way forward.. but it's challenging to even start. i'm resistant to learning more about myself. life is already difficult.

i don't have any connection to womanhood though, it simply feels like a concept i can't obtain and not because society tells me or because i reject it within myself, but because i don't know what it means to be a woman in the same sense i don't know what it means to be a man. i reject "man" as a label for myself because it is prescribed to and demanded of me thanks to my birth sex, but "woman" isn't so it doesn't upset me to be thought of as one. however, i don't know what feeling like a woman is if i wouldn't want the body of one, the roles of one, or the social standing of one. i don't think of myself as having breasts or a vagina; just more feminized and less masculinized in the right areas. i don't want to be expected to adhere to female standards because i view them as restrictive and they don't feel fulfilling or affirming; however, i like the idea of being a stay-at-home partner who cooks and cleans, but that is hardly reserved for women. i don't want the social status of a woman either because i want to be seen as "one of the boys," but girly.. almost tomboyish? kinda something in the middle there.

i don't feel like i'm appropriating womanhood, i feel no connection or pull towards it. i want to be a femininely-shaped, feminine-appearing male-bodied person. but.. i know you can be that as a transwoman too. you don't have to give up anything or do anything to be a transwoman. but i would be very happy, i think, if my body were more "womanly" and i had femininizing features. idk lol everything sucks.

i feel like the changes on HRT at 36 would be limited, but also i'm not interested in passing like a cis woman. i more want to pass as feminine for myself. right now i barely feel it at all.

I think what you describe has to do with hanging too tight to the gender binary. Once you realize gender isn’t binary, you realize it’s natural and normal feeling how you are feeling at any particular point.

i am non-binary. i don't see myself as hanging too tightly.

ideally i would look as close to a woman as possible, but i know my male features will always be a tell. i don't mind that, though. it actually is something i find affirming. i think visible trans people are beautiful.

so.. firstly, no, i haven't seen a gender affirming therapist. it is something i plan on doing. but secondly, i have been more open to the idea of being a transwoman as i've gotten happier recently and i still don't see it within myself. perhaps i have it stuffed down because i actively repressed it. trying HRT even temporarily is too scary to consider tbh. i don't want to.

What does it feel like to be a man, or a woman? It kind of doesn’t.

yeah.. i think day-to-day is much like that; you feel no real positive affirmation of your identity, you just exist.

lol my boyfriend jokingly calls me a tomboy and it makes sense yeah. strange! i do feel rather fem but in a male sense, i guess?