Smorty

it like - hurts. like it usually jus hurts wheb crying. bt kinda constantly..,..

it hurts n feels awful n makes me look down a lot so peeps dun see it,...,...,,,...

i cnt.,.,, i cnt do dis,,.

UPDATEUPDATE :o

by sad i dun mean im sad (im jus down is all) bt i mean im sad cuz of evil throat!!,.,.,. yis, the throat is the evil! n im sads becuz if it bein so evil n hurtin su bad.

[Requesting Engagement from transfems]

(Blahaj lemmy told me to put this up top, so I did)

I did not expect this to happen. I followed FairyPrincessLucy for a long time, cuz she's real nice and seems cool.

Time passes and I noticed how I would feel very bad when watching her do stuff. I was like

damn, she so generally okay with her situation. Wish I was too lol

So I stopped watching her.

Just now I discovered another channel, Melody Nosurname , and I really, really like her videos! She seems very reasonable and her little character is super cute <3
But here too I noticed how watching the vids made me super uncomfortable.
The representation is nice, for sure, and her videos are of very high quality, I can only recommend them (as in - the videos).

I started by noticing

woah, her tshirt is super cute, I wanna have that too!

Then I continue with

heyo her friend here seems also super cool. Damn wish I had cool friends

And then eventually the classic

damn, I wish I were her

At that point, it's already over. I end up watching another video and, despite my genuine interest in the topic, I stop it in the middle, close the tab and open Lemmy (and here we are).

Finally I end up watching videos by cis men, like Scott the Woz. They are fine, and I end up not comparing myself to them (since I wouldn't necessarily want to be them). I also stopped watching feminine people in general online, as they tend to give me a very similar reaction. Just like

yeah, that's cool that you're mostly fine with yourself, I am genuinely happy for you that you got lucky during random character creation <3

I also watched The Owl House, which is a really good show (unfortunately owned by Disney) and I stopped watching when...

Spoiler for the Owl House

it started getting gay <3 cuz I started feeling way too jealous of them just being fine with themselves and pretty and gay <3 and such

I wanted to see where the show was going, and I'm sure it's real good, but that is not worth risking my wellbeing, I thought.

So anyway...

have you had a period like that before?
How did you deal with it?
Do you watch transfem people? Please share your favs! <3
I also like watching SimplySnaps. Her videos are also really high quality, I just end up not being able to watch them for too long before sad hits :(

additional info about me, if anyone cares

I currently don't take hrt, but I'm on my way. I'm attending psychological therapy with a really nice tharapist here in Germany.
I struggle to find good words to describe how I feel but slowly I find better words for it.
I'm currently 19 and present myself mostly masculine still, while trying to act very nice, generally acceptable and friendly. So kinda in a way which makes both super sweet queer people <3 <3 <3 <3 and hetero cis queerphobes accept me as just another character. (I work at a school with very mixed ideologies, so I kinda have to).
But oh boi do I have social anxiety, even at home with mother...

EDIT: Changed info about SimplySnaps
EDIT2: Added The Owl House example

I'm attempting to make a lil Vivian character over here. Here is the link if someone is interested.

(I hope this kind of post is allowed on this community)

Hii cuties! I am currently going through quite the amount of evil disgusting and bad dysphoria, so I would really like to distract myself from myself right now... Even though I am not a fan of consumerism, this is the one time I feel it is appropriate to consume some media. I do have a homebrewed switch and a computer running Debian (with wine, so it can run windows games). I am a fan of rhythm games and cozy games like stardew valley (not a shooter kind of person).

EDIT: I am also a huge fan of games like outer wilds, cuz like wow that game is good. Also I like the magical parts of Terraria aaaaand floating islands are cool... Also I do have a VR headset. There, my infodump is completed now.

Hi. In my current situation I feel really held back by essentially everything...

I (18) am a (currently) masculine presenting person who, as a young man, is in a very comfortable position. My father likes me for who I am currently and my friends at school and the teachers there are the same. I am learning IT shit in that school amongst only boys. Unfortunately right now, I do not have female friends irl. I still have contact with some older female friends digitally, and we are doing pretty well, but that's not the same. So now let me actually get to the point.

I feel like I am too comfortable in my current position to do anything. I am accepted too well by the people around me to transition, but I would also not be okay with pulling back with the small social behaviours I have changed (I tend to talk softer and make some totally super totally hilariously funny jokes about being just too manly for this world, isn't that so fuuny!?). I already told my mother and she kinda just took it. She seems supportive, and I feel like she would be okay with me transitioning. Father is a very different story, as he not only tends to laugh at trans people in TV shows but he also refers to me very often as "my son" and envisions my future as some very handsome and very manly man.

So yeah, my current situation is so interesting to me that I talk to myself about it daily for hours at a time and always end up with something along the lines of -well I'm comfortable rn so what?- or -it is what it is-. I keep putting -staying like this-, -actually transitioning- and -pulling back completely- side by side and end up deciding that clearly transitioning is the best option, as I fell awful with myself currently, but also apffff, as if! As if I would want to become a girl! Look at me! I actually am rather handsome, have a bunch of good friends, acceptable connections with father, a somewhat safe career and fairly convincing charisma, why would I want to run the risk of losing any of that? It would be insane!

This next part is about a more adult topic (one might say NSFW), so maybe skip it if you don't feel comfy: ################## For the longest time in my life I was unable to jerk off. I simply couldn't, I'm guessing my thing is just weirdly randomly generated. Even my urologist said "haha, oh well, that looks like quite the surprise package to me". About 3 months ago I found a different method to even do it, but it feels TERRIBLE! How can people be happy with this? I feel terrible before I do it, I feel terrible when I notice the urge, I feel oh so very awful after doing it, having to clean up the most disgusting part of my body and sometimes crying afterwards, knowing that I'll have to do it again to make these ball of mine happy. I am incredibly dysphoric about that part, but I try to distance that very far away from the topic I actually want to adress with this post, even though I know very well that T-Blockers would recude horniness and that it would make me feel better and that I wouldn't have to do the disgusting deed every three days. I have no idea on if this is connected to wanting to be a girl or if this is some other thing (I might be asexual, but really not sure...)