Transfem

Yes, generally in countries that don't have sufficient access to care, the default is that people turn to DIY - basically buying and dosing estrogen on their own. This is done in the meantime until they are able to finally get you officially on HRT.

I'm in the US, and the US does still have really good access to care compared to most of the rest of the world. Here, there are usually clinics you can go to that operate on an "informed consent" model whereby you just acknowledge the risks and effects of taking HRT and legally sign off on those changes, then you are given access to the hormones usually same-day.

I waited 3 months for an appointment with a local endocrinologist, then walked out with a Rx for estrogen the same day as my first appointment.

Waiting 3 months was excruciating, and looking back I wish I had found some way to DIY during that time. I really took my life into my own hands, and had some rather extreme suicidal episodes that looking back were entirely unnecessary (not that I could have known then that estrogen would mostly "fix" this).

And yes, the fear and denial about transition is very real, and it made it very hard for me to have much access or awareness of my needs and preferences. I couldn't connect with a desire to live as a woman, even ... it's difficult, and talking to a gender-informed therapist is a good idea.

I remember my therapist helped me get through my mental struggles with accepting getting a vaginoplasty - she asked me to imagine myself 20 years later and not having ever acted to get the surgery, how would I feel? It was quite clarifying to me that I don't think I want to live a life with those genitals, I just want to be a woman - I wish I had been born a cis woman, and surgery was a way to help me get closer to that.

Compare that to how I felt when my egg first cracked, I was certain I would never get a vaginoplasty, that I had no "dysphoria" (at all, I thought), but I knew I wanted an orchi.

We all struggle through awareness in our own ways - some of us have better access or awareness of what we want than others.

I tend to think most of us repress our feelings and needs, so most of us are not aware of the dysphoria that impacts us.

Either way, feel free to DM me any time or ask me any questions. I am happy to share about my personal experiences, and I also have plenty of recommended reading and resources to help you navigate transition.

Luckily, transition is safe and has much better clinical outcomes than most medical treatments, so it's really not much to worry about. It's mostly the psychological and social stigma and hurdles that are difficult, but getting on HRT early and working hard on your transition (particularly voice training, learning how to dress, etc.) can really make a huge difference.

I also transitioned later in life, and I thought I would never pass, but I was passing almost all the time after 8 months of HRT, and I haven't had any experiences where a cis stranger has clocked me since 12 months of HRT. It varies from person to person, but I know someone IRL who transitioned at a later age than me and she also passes well and lives full time as a woman.

Life can be so much better than you realize, I really hope you are able to transition and start living, too. 💕