ETA: I've received so many incredibly helpful responses and so quickly! Thank you all!!! ๐ฅฐ๐ I no longer have the doubts I had that led to these questions. I am grateful that I was able to address many less-positive concerns here. Now, I get to focus more on trans joy and preparing to start this incredible journey with you all ๐ฅฐ
-Long-time lurker, first-time poster
Content warnings: Brief mention of transphobic reactions, a couple questions about de-transitioning
Context
I'm in my late 30s, amab. I'm considering transitioning. I'm considering HRT and hair removal only, no surgery. I plan to identify/express as a binary woman when HRT has taken effect. But if I don't get the results that I'm looking for, I could see a world where identifying as an enby (and staying on HRT, etc) might make sense. (I'm a frontline healthcare worker who's concerned about negative reactions from patients when transitioning and/or when my pronouns don't match my appearance in some people's eyes.)
HRT trials
At this point (I've questioned for years), I don't think I'm ever going to be 100% sure about whether or not I want to transition. I think that preparing to transition and starting HRT might help me reach greater certainty about whether I want to continue. Does that sound reasonable? Do you think a doctor in an informed consent context would have concerns with starting me on HRT if I said that? Also, is it fair to say that I can probably look androgynous or plausibly cisgender (especially with effort - if I had a need to) for a year or two after starting HRT?
Older adulthood
I'm not sure what to expect in my late 60s, 70s, etc. Do people who've transitioned for decades at that point feel that their gender doesn't seem as relevant any more, question the benefits of staying on HRT, and stop? In that case, is there any sort of detox/withdrawal, pain, or significant health-related complications associated with stopping HRT?
Reversibility
Hypothetically, let's say I wanted to stop transitioning or de-transition - closer to my current age - and wanted to identify/express as a man. The only real issue to me seems to be that I might have breasts - and 'only' an A or B cup (re: concealability). Skin, body fat distribution, hair, and muscle mass changes seem inconsequential to me (and are all considered reversible, with BF being reversible/ variable). Loss of fertility is not important to me. And medically salvaging a functional penis (i.e., libido and erections with testosterone and blue pills), if necessary, seems medically doable and acceptable to me provided I prevent penile atrophy. How's my understanding of that?
I'm not seeking medical advice, just community perspectives, anecdotes, and/or pointers to resources. Thanks for reading and also for any responses. Comments on other things I've mentioned are also welcome :)
Re: sexual changes:
I'm turning 40 this year, and I started injections a couple of months ago. My libido and ability to get erections have not really changed at all; the only real difference is that I don't have morning wood anymore and I find that I tend to use my imagination more than porn nowadays to finish if I'm on my own. Smut books are wonderful, lol. Still early but I am pretty happy with retaining function so far, it was the thing I was most worried about.
Re: passing, and other people's concerns:
Respectfully, who gives a shit what other people think? If a bigoted patient was uncomfortable because you were a person of color, or a cis woman, or a gay man, or disabled, would that be acceptable? Should someone hide those things for the sake of said bigot? What makes being trans any different? Don't let fear of assholes stop you from being who you want to be. They're gonna be assholes anyway. Be an enby if you want or go full woman if you find that suits you, or be gender fluid or whatever, but do it because you want to, not to avoid stepping on someone else's toes. I'm an old punk so maybe I'm biased toward being actively visible, but fuck those people. I can't tell you what to do, and stay safe, obviously, but don't hide your light under a bushel; the world would be lesser for it.
You sound a lot like me 6 months ago, though, as far as not knowing where you might fall on the gender spectrum. At that point the only thing I knew for sure was that I was sick of pretending to be a man and I wanted out. I thought of it as "defecting", lol. I've gone from "I'll be an enby because I'll never pass as a girl" to "I wanna be a pretty pretty princess, let's do makeup tutorials and look like a clown" to "I'll just be a butch lesbian, where are my cargo pants and flannel, I already own that" to "I wanna be exclusively made of goth eyeliner and oversized hoodies and thigh highs" to "maybe I'm actually some kind of horny chaos gremlin, and it's more fun if what's in my pants is a mystery". Next week I will probably feel differently. It's a real exploration of a space I previously thought I wasn't allowed into; I am "boldly going where no man has gone before", lol. It's a lot to take in and exploration takes effort and time, but it's very rewarding to learn about what I like and don't like. Turns out there's a lot of ways to be a person.
Also hey, good job for asking. It's scary to ask for help, often the hardest part. You got this. If you wanna talk more I'm open to messages and happy to talk about my experience.