Eldritch Mlems

Being a pitmaster came to Kaleb Blain almost by accident, while he was working at Guess Barbecue in Waco's food truck. Each day, when he'd walk through the back, he'd be entranced by the smell of smoking meat and the blaze of the fire.

"There was always something that grabbed at me about it," Blain said. "Every single time I'd walk through that pit house back there, I just wanted to be there."

Barbecue felt like a calling for Blain, but it was hard to break in. Blain, a transgender man, didn't feel welcome in the traditional barbecue space, one that conjures to mind images of grizzled men smoking impossible amounts of meat in huge smokers. It's a quintessentially Texan image, one that doesn't always feel open to people like Blain.

But it's also a space that, like Texas itself, is constantly changing. Scan the pages of Texas Monthly, where a coveted spot on its annual Top 50 BBQ joints list means you've made it, to see for yourself. Women have broken in, opening spots like the much-lauded, woman-led Barbs B Q in Lockhart, and our state's diverse immigrant community has brought their own unique flavors to Texas classics at joints like the Egyptian-infused KG BBQ in Austin. So why not trans people?

As he ventures out on his own with Blain's BBQ, a small-scale enterprise in Waco, Blain is acutely aware of the gap he's stepping into.

Hey wonderful ladies, gents and everyone outside!

I wanted to ask if anyone else experienced something like this early on their feminising journey: I’ve recently finally shared my dramas/worries around my gender identity with my doctor (after who knows how long of the writing being on the wall and loud) and suddenly things are a bit easier, it feels like I can breathe a bit deeper, the internal strife is quieter. But within my consciousness i don’t think i feel any different? It’s almost like a silent subconscious side of me was trying to scream for years that something was wrong, and I’ve finally listened at least a bit so it’s stopped fighting me, although the “me” i experience doesn’t seem to care that much.

I ofc feel relieved (and terrified!) to have talked about it at all. But it feels deeper than that, and this deeper peace I’m experiencing is obvious to observe within myself. I’m planning to ask to speak to a specialist next appointment but that could be weeks or months away and I’d like to try to make some sense of it before then! Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends who this topic would 100% be safe with, they’ve all shown at least yellow or orange flags of transphobia.

I’d love to hear any of your own stories or similar experiences. Also thank you for this community, i don’t think i would have opened up if it wasn’t for the tales and thoughts shared.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/62495688

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/62495156

EDIT: Thanks for everyone's kind words and support. I'm not sure how to reply to most of them, but just know I read all of them. I will be seeking out therapy and figuring out what's right for me this week. Thanks so much.

I hope this is the right place for this.

So, I've been having conversations with some of my trans-friends that have been making me think about things in my life.

Let's start with background.

When I was little, I always knew I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be a girl so badly, even from when I was like six years old. Part of it was certainly that I was treated differently than my sister and made to feel guilty for being a boy because I was "just like my father" which is an insane thing to dump on a six year old. Yet, part of it was also sincere. I remember once my mom told me to be careful what I wished for or I just might get it and I spent months wishing I was slowly turning into a girl, just telling myself the process would be slow but I just had to keep wishing and praying for it. I remember a friend telling me about a video game they had that included a station for brewing potions and I was secretly obsessed with trying to find a gender changing potion (surely not in the game, but I was a kid who just wanted it to be real).

When I was 12 my mom caught me putting on my sisters clothes and put the fear of God in me and told me to never do it again, like she did with most things she didn't understand when it came to me. I stopped trying to do it, and I remember feeling very conflicted and crying a lot about giving up my dream of becoming a girl.

In high school though, I would often crossdress for Halloween, lied to myself and others and that it was just a fun silly thing to do. (To be clear my mother was around a lot less in high school so I was able to hide the fact that I did this from her) But if it was just for fun why did I slather my whole body with Nair to be more feminine? Why did I feel so good about how I looked in that one dress? Why did I spend so long gazing in the mirror and loving the feeling and wanting it to be real?

As an adult, I realized I was always more excited about pretty dresses and buying them for my girlfriends than they were about them. That I was more excited by the trappings of femininity than they were, and that maybe deep down it was because I was trying to live vicariously through them.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, though, and I didn't even really know that being trans and transitioning was even really an option until I was pushing into my late twenties when I first started realizing trans people existed and had existed. I have always felt an affinity for the trans community, obviously, because to an extent I understood the experience.

But for 20 years I have spent my time making excuses for why I can't or won't consider the idea that I'm trans. "I'm too tall. I'm going bald (starting balding in my twenties). My hands and feet are too big. My hips are to narrow, my chest too deep. I'm too hairy. I would be an ugly woman and I want to be pretty, not ugly. I'll end up alone and unloved." I guess only more recently it hit me that if I'm making excuses for why I can't do it, then somewhere it means that I do want to do it still. That dream never really went away. The desire to be pretty and feminine never stopped, I just hid it away really well and constantly told myself that this was the body and life I had and that I had to get over it.

I'm in the USA, and I know this is pretty much the worst time to be reckoning with these feelings, but as I already have cancer, already am on the path to trying to get on disability, and already am on Medicaid, which the plan I am on in my state (Washington) covers a large portion of the aspects of transitioning (HRT, hair removal, facial feminization surgery, body contouring surgery, top surgery, and bottom surgery) it feels like it could be the last chance I have to stop telling myself excuses for why I can't be who I always wanted to be.

Part of it is I had one of my friends convincing me to try one of those gender-swap faceapps where they still adhere to your actual face shape, and my god, I was on the verge of tears, I didn't look ugly like I thought I would. I ended up staring at it for hours and looking at my face from every angle and wondering why I had lied to myself about the possibility of being pretty.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get it out and there and maybe field advice from the community. I'm seeing my psychiatrist this week and I'm going to ask her if the agency I'm at has any counselors who specialize in gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia. I figure I may as well talk to a professional about it for a while to try to come to more clear conclusions.

Does anyone have advice for someone in their mid-forties finally exploring this for real and trying to decide if it's for them? I know it won't solve all my problems, I know it won't magically make me happy when I have had chronic depression all my life from other trauma I have experienced... I just, I don't know, I'm going through a lot of changes in my life anyway due to my cancer and having to start my life over, part of me feels like maybe I should start it over the way I actually want to, then.

I hope this wasn't too long of a ramble, and I appreciate anyone who hears me out and cares to tell me anything that would be helpful, supportive, or make me feel more at ease at the idea or transitioning so late in life while my country wants to make what I desire even harder to achieve.

https://vido.social/v/du4ytr0Z08

https://mstdn.social/@GeriAQuin/115963388786471290

I do cat sitting for my sister and brother in law's cat from a rescue shelter named Dinky. She's very shy and nervous but got a lot friendlier and braver. Not a lap cat but loves to play.

there is an anxiety in my trans circles that the future might become worse, that access to surgery, new passports and stuff might become harder. i feel like i should hurry to get shit done.

but i can't. it took sooo long until i knew for sure, i wanted to go on hrt. i am now and it's great. not for the reasons i imagined, but for all the small things i never thought about. yet i don't know what i want my name to be. it is such a hard question for me. i start to rethink sexuality aswell esp. since my libido seems to have vanished under estrogen. this i like also. but what does it say about my sexual identity? or my gender identity? will there be a point at which i want a bottom surgery? there are so many questions that i can't answer (yet).

meanwhile the whole world seems to demand these answers and wants them to align with their cis-het assumptions. health care wants me to display a binary persona for access to hrt (i played the part), and surgery. my aunt immediately fantasized about me "certainly" looking for a man to have a family with. everyone really wats to have an update on how to handle me. no ambiguity.

i realised that in my trans specific therapy group i get quiet and anxious when they are all discussing hospitals, doctors, procedures and all the technicalities. i feel like i am behind. always behind. i haven't done my homework. i didn't know forever that i was a girl. i don't know today. i'm just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it's highly plausible, but i can't see the bigger picture yet.

i am afraid, that all of this will take me too long, that i will have to jump over new hurdles, or old ones, like when the rubber stamps from my therapist will be too old. i feel like i have to figure out myself now. i feel alone with that. even in self help, and therapy groups everyone is always so sure about themselves. just not me. i should seek out enby groups maybe? plz hit me up, if you ever felt this way too. 😥

Me and my partner adopted 2 cats about a month ago. They are very cute and friendly most of the time and we love them very much. And it seems like they like it here too. But sometimes they tend to fight out of what seems like jealousy. Like if they both want to be pet at the same time, I try to do that. But often one of them hits the other one in these situations so they go away. I would like to show my cats that they don't have to fight each other for attention, but I don't know how to do that. Anyone have any tips for that?

I just wanna text with someone, cuz i'm bored af😭

Hex isn't allowed in my bedroom because she used to pee in my bed regularly, but these days she pretty consistently sleeps against the doorframe of my office - across the hallway from my bedroom, basically.

I got her (and one of my other cats) as a kitten around sixteen years ago. She's never been very active and rarely wanted to spend time around anyone - human or otherwise - other than me. Because of that most of the time she's hiding somewhere and not often seen.

However, I can usually find her against the aforementioned doorframe overnight. Because she's getting old and I see her so rarely I always check to make sure she's alive (she is, at least as of the photo).

Tonight I saw her and gently woke her to confirm. (edit: I know it looks like her eyes are open in the photo - and they were, a little - but I assure you she was asleep.) As mentioned in the title, when she saw me she immediately started purring. It made me feel very loved.

(Also, I didn't notice until I was reaching to wake her or I wouldn't have bothered her, but while she was still asleep the beans you can see in the photo were twitching. I wonder what she was dreaming.)