ThatFembyWho

Ah that's rough. That's super tough. And all too common. I think it's very noble of you to place so much value on your relationships, that you deny yourself something so fundamental. I think if your wife understood what that means... well cisgender people can never really understand how it feels.

I cry a bit for you sister. I'm not married and will never have children, so I get to do whatever I want (yay?). But I have to say, it's a helluva tradeoff and I think if I could go back and do it over again, I would have tried harder to find someone and get married earlier in life. It's what I always craved.

Sigh. Well all is not lost. Some people don't transition until their 50s and 60s, or even later. That's many years away, who knows what might change. You walk a difficult path, like all of us, and I hope you continue to find comforts and happiness, and yourself, along the way.

For skincare routine, I've never used a sugar scrub, but indeed exfoliation is a key component. Best to be gentle, I like to exfoliate a few times a week. Before HRT, I would do so every day, because my skin was thicker and more oily. The other keys are keeping your skin clean - I like a gentle cleanser like off-brand cetaphil - and moisturuzed. Moisturizer can be tricky because it's not one-type-fits-all. There are different moisturizers for different skin types (sensitive, dry, oily, combination) and the wrong one might cause breakouts or irritation. I personally love Oil of Olay daily with SPF 15. My face hardly needs makeup bc I take super good care of it (ok, HRT helps but it's not everything).

I'm going through a rough patch atm with electrolysis, it creates little sores and makes my skin break out. Just something to watch out for as you pursue hair removal.

Also don't neglect your lips, they can also be exfoliated and moisturuzed. My lips with a little balm or aloe look as nice as lipstick.

I would opt for subtle changes over time. It's up to you, of course, but I had some success tweezing my brows gradually. After months, they were quite a bit thinner, but not "weird" and it wasn't a sudden drastic change that would draw attention. But indeed I propose talking with a professional who does this every day for a living.

You know what, I get more and more defiant about the government bullshit. One of the things that kept me going when I was at my lowest? Spite. Lotsa spite, deciding that I'm gonna live to be an endless thorn in these bastards' sides. And I'm gonna help others be the same. The funny thing is once I made it out of the valley I was in, I found a lot more reasons to keep going, which was a nice bonus.

Another thing that helps is knowing there are so many of us out there. Even if we are made to suffer, we won't suffer alone. Every little podunk town has a couple trans folks in it, and that's beautiful.

For my part, I'd like to pair off with one or more transbians, find a nice place to live, look after eachother, and fully enjoy what life has to offer. That's my trans dream lol; politicians, and courts, gender markers and IDs, and police officers be damned. How are they gonna stop me, nuh uh ~

Yep, kids get it.

I was shopping for boots, and this little boy came up to me "excuse me m'am" and proceded to ask me if I found the "gold bar" he was carrying impressive. lol

I'm always afraid kids will be like "hey are you a boy or a girl" but so far that has never happened, thank god

Yeah, my issues also worsened after puberty, although that's pretty common with mental health. I think gender dysphoria became a clearly distinguishable phenomenon for me in my mid-twenties. My body developed slower than average, so facial and body hair didn't become a pressing concern until then. I looked naturally effeminate and androgynous, and the potential loss of that was kinda devastating and triggered gender explorations.

My mind has definitely changed since HRT. I'm not sure if there's any scientific evidence for this yet. But like, one thing that happened is I lost virtually all interest in technical work, like engineering or programming that used to captivate me. I can't do it anymore. But in its place, I feel so much more connected to artistic endeavors. Writing, drawing, composing, or just admiring others' work.

I don't think it's because a sex hormone decides our abilities, but rather it changed my perceptions and kinda rewired my brain. New antianxiety and antidepressant meds also played a role, I'm sure.

Emotions are a bit different now, the highs and lows feel different, the strongest emotions like love feel different. I feel them flowing through my whole body, it's hard to explain. The sort of tingly electrical feeling, and bliss of love and attraction.

Hey there, Amber! Did I get your name right?

The right answer is there's no right answer :)

You want to do all the things, feel all the things, be all the things, all at once. So very understandable. And I'm sorry we all have to go through this phase: the confusion, mourning what can never be, longer for what might be, impatient for changes, stuck waiting, sailing as it were without a compass.

It's the classic transgender experience, and it's both terrible and wonderful.

If it helps, I understand, and I'm one of many who has faced these struggles, and is moving forward. Just like you will, when the time comes. I'll offer some practical tips below, but first I want to tell you briefly what it's like to be an older trans girl.

I started transition at 37, and let me tell you, the past three years have been FULL of moments of girlhood, blended with mature adulthood. It's a strange combination. Sometimes I feel so new, everything seems so special and magical, other times I'm simply over it. Right now I'm experimenting with my style, totally in the goth and emo phase -- we're never too old for this -- and absolutely rocking it.

Last weekend, I spent hours applying makeup and debating over my outfit before going to an EDM party. I ended up in a skirt, fishnet tights, button up shirt, loose tie with fancy knot, leather jacket, and patent platform boots. I danced for one of the first times in my life, all night long. I was silly, I was unleashed, free spirit, blissful. Maybe I don't pass perfectly yet, but it didn't matter. I have never wanted to dance like that before, never had the confidence to try.

It's not exactly the same as being a cis girl. But it is damn close, the feelings inside me, the desire to explore my identity, the doubts, pushing boundaries, the joys of practicing my walk, my voice, my makeup skills. Touching and holding my chest, double checking my reflection in the mirror, I can hardly believe this is me! But I've been here living every day of it.

At work, other women have become so forthcoming and trusting of me, about very intimate matters and it's something I never experienced before. The sense of kinship is there, even if I'm not fully out yet. They sense who I am, regardless of how I look.

What I mean is you will find girlhood and womanhood, actually you are already there, and part of the journey is wondering if you're doing it all correctly. But you will experience the pain and pleasure of it, in your own time and way, just like every other woman.

Can I ask why you'll "never get HRT?"

To your questions about what you can do today? I'll dump a bunch of ideas here but the point isn't to tackle them all. Just imagine the possibilities. From time to time, you will feel the time is right, and you will add something new to your arsenal. It might take months or years.

I literally started with cheap lingerie and nail polish. Long before I knew I was trans. The pleasure, the sense of calm and rightness from wearing a stuffed bra, seeing what I might look like, a preview of how I look now -- could there have been any greater sign of my gender identity? Seeing my nails in sky blue was a delight. I think nail polish is a great place to start, it's an act of self-care, a sort of ritual, but give yourself considerable leeway for mistakes. It takes a while to find the right touch.

Clothing? A sports bra. Dead simple and super euphoria inducing. Also panties. This is the base you begin with. Eventually I switched to panties every day, and once HRT kicked in, wore bras daily for years. (Ironically, the farther I progress the less need I have for these "props" if you will, and often don't wear bras anymore).

I can recommend tights, thigh highs, stockings. With all clothes, get a tape measure to estimate your sizing. They do make foot and legwear for taller, thicker girls, even if it's harder to find. I can offer suggestions if needed.

Dresses are far more difficult. Let me tell you something I've learned. Every woman will look awful in certain styles. But every woman will look amazing in others. For me personally, bony, skinny, and not so curvy, I look great in clothes that flare out to provide a sense of curviness. Many women are the same.

But honestly I wouldn't start with dresses. Those are easier when you have a lot of momentum already. Try a women's cut shirt or polo. For more of a challenge but to see your figure change temporarily, try a corset or waist trainer. Mini skirts are nice too, and a classic trans girl wear paired with thigh highs.

Get some women's jeans, you can get any number of styles. My classic "fem" look for the first couple of years was a women's shirt, skinny jeans and a sports bra. Super basic, simple, but euphoria inducing. Only in the last month have I progressed to more diverse options, camis, crop tops, skinny straps, mesh shirts. I've started using layers more, as my wardrobe grows, and wearing makeup more often, especially eyeliner and nail polish.

But you gotta start somewhere and start simple. Same with makeup. Take a girlfriend to the drugstore with you, get a few cheap options she thinks might look good on you, get a vanity mirror, go home and relax and try it. Remember to use a light touch, not as if you are plastering a ceiling, but rather as if putting fine finishing touches on a masterpiece. Go light, subtle, and accept imperfections. "Perfect is the enemy of good". Try a little foundation, a little blush, lipstick, but if you can do eye makeup -- you won't want or need much else.

Oh and you'll want a good spf moisturizer under it all. Like seriously, if you really work just on skincare alone, you might find yourself making cis women jealous. Other women tell me all the time how my skin is "pretty", but like, it's a ton of work. I wasn't born with it. Keeping acne under control, shaving, exfoliating, getting plenty of rest, drinking enough water, avoid sunburn (big hats are your friend), eating healthy, dont smoke, or drink in excess. These are all things you can work on for pretty skin. Obviously HRT would help too. But your skin will reflect your overall health.

About looking at yourself in the mirror, try a vanity with ring light, those are designed to make us look good lol. Avoid wall mirrors, harsh lighting. I still don't like the way certain mirrors make me look. But it has gotten much better. Changing my hair style, washing my face, taking a shower, a few things that give me a fresher more appealing look.

If face hair is a concern, look into professional laser or electrolysis hair removal. Pricey, but effective. I feel much more comfortable with my face now the dark hairs have been removed. It is a huge relief to only shave once a week, if needed, I'm still working on the light hairs. Beard shadow is greatly reduced, which means one less thing to cover with makeup!

As you progress you might decide to take other steps, sharing your name and pronouns with others (friends, family, coworkers), voice training on your own or with a therapist, medical transition with HRT and various other surgical options. I don't go into much detail here because it seems you are still quite early on, but please do ask if you have questions about these things.

Oooh you sound just like me. If you read my recent "Miracle Year" post here I think you will identify quite closely with it especially the parts about fear of being yourself. Except... you are stuck in the middle and haven't yet come through the other side. You haven't had your "breaking free" moment. That's ok. It takes time, and everyone's journey is a little different.

First, have you considered that your anxiety and depression might not be caused by dysphoria? There doesn't always have to be an obvious cause... sometimes our brains just work differently and it's not something that ever "goes away" but requires lifelong management.

I will say that when I am in a depressive episode, and it can certainly be exacerbated by weather, seasons, stressors, etc., it is very difficult to think positively of myself. My negativity turns inward, and at those times I wonder what is wrong with me, what I'm doing wrong to feel this way, and the tendency is to be hypercritical.

What if I told you, you aren't doing anything wrong to feel depressed and anxious, but it truly can't be helped? The solution which I hope you have access to, is medication and/or therapy from a qualified individual. You will likely never be "cured" but it is possible to learn how to cope, how to identify unhealthy thoughts, and minimize the effects.

Now more to the point. You want breasts and overall a more feminine appearance. That is dysphoria. You have an internal need for a body which doesn't match the one you were born into. You have taken steps to change this. You have gender dysphoria and you are transgender. There is no simpler or more obvious definitions than these :)

Really your situation could be much more complicated. You don't mention anywhere that you regret transitioning or that you dislike the changes you've experienced, or regret taking HRT. Rather, you say that problems remain and you are looking for solutions, particularly in the realm of social transition if I'm understanding you correctly.

Let's work with the facts you have dysphoria and are transgender. So anything you feel, doubts, anxiety, whatever, are not a question of "appropriating" gender identity or faking it. You can't fake what by definition is an inherent part of you.

In my "Miracle Year" post I identify retrospectively what delayed my progress and held me back. What I still struggle with. Are you ready? I have found the enemy and the enemy is... us. It's you, it's me. We are our own worst enemies. We allow doubts and uncertainties to control us. We impose artificial barriers and constraints on ourselves. Sure, others might not like us, but who holds the real power?

Did you know that, when you are in the bathroom afraid to leave the stall, you could just as easily leave with confidence and even make small talk with other women as you wash your hands, check your makeup, or whatever?

Did you know that tomorrow you could decide to confidently wear any outfit you want on public transport?

Obviously you have to consider your safety. Safety was always one of my primary concerns. It's a scary world sometimes. I would suggest not traveling alone when possible. Having my partner with me really helps me gain the self-confidence to be myself in public.

Have you tried voice training? Unfortunately HRT alone won't help, it will require a concerted daily effort to change. There are youtube videos, apps like Voice Tools. I've been seeing a speech therapist for personalized care, sadly my insurance doesn't pay the $200/session fee, not everyone will find that manageable, but it has been super helpful. I didn't begin voice therapy until almost three years into my transition.

Do you have a plan, maybe just a list of things you want to accomplish as part of your transition? I found that writing them down helps me focus, and it provides a great sense of accomplishment to measure my progress, marking items off the list.

Maybe brainstorm a little, write down things you still need to work on, for example voice training, dressing authentically in public, changing gender markers, updating name and pronouns, etc.

Well this is a quite long comment even if I feel so much more could be said, but I hope if you have any questions or lingering doubts, you will ask away :)

Um ok, first of all, the sexual fantasies, kinks, fetishes, attractions -- that's not gender. That has nothing to do with your gender.

"Sissy hypno" isn't going to turn you into a girl, or teach you how to "think like a girl". I don't have a problem with it, in fact it can be fun sometimes, but it's not really my thing.

Your gender is something you were born with, whether you acknowledge it, whether you even know it. It's inside you, it's who you are. As you seem confused about this, you are what I would call "questioning" or exploring your gender identity but haven't come to a solid conclusion yet.

Gender is more complex than boy vs girl. A person can also be nonbinary gender: either a blend of boy and girl, or neither. If you are a boy, it doesn't matter what you do or think, you will always be a boy. If you are a girl, it's the same. Once that clicks into place, you will understand.

Gender is also different than having masculine or feminine traits or personality. Women can be masculine, and men can be feminine, it happens sometimes. But their genders don't change.

Sexuality is similar, your orientation is something you're born with. And it is far more complex than gay or straight. You could be bisexual, asexual, demisexual -- there are many possibilities.

Porn isn't reality, so until you are really with someone, you won't know what you like. Trust me, it's so different being with a real person. Sometimes you imagine you will feel one way, but in the moment it's completely different.

I was a virgin and unkissed until age 32, so I kinda understand where you are. I think you may be struggling with guilt or shame over your gender and/or sexuality, which is confusing the situation. Remember it's not about what others think, not family or friends or religion, you are who you are. If you are a straight man, that's valid. If you are a gay man, or straight girl, or bisexual enby, that is also valid!

Don't worry about who you are supposed to be. You wanna know what it's like to dress like a girl, wear makeup, have a female name, use she/her pronouns? Try it! You might hate it, or you might like it. At some point you need to get out of your head, and discover who you really are :)

Sounds like you have a lot to celebrate actually.

You've mentioned your accomplishments, they're something to be proud of.

But one of the hardest things in life to learn and accept is that we each have to be enough for ourselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks, says or does. I also struggle with this, but I've seen the truth of it.

Even if the whole world was against you (but we're not). The instant you base your worth on the opinions of others, you are setting yourself up to fail. Sometimes they'll love you, sometimes they'll hate you, mostly they will be indifferent. Is that where you want to be?

That's not to say you should go through life alone. You absolutely need a strong support network -- like all persecuted minorities, we need allies. That sounds like the final missing piece for you. First take a moment to recognize and appreciate allies you might already have, don't forget them in despair; and then work on expanding your network.

As for the toxic people in your life, don't give them the pleasure of bringing you down. Rise above and eclipse them, you got this <3

Ugh I hate the part about being presumed "a gay man". That happened to me, probably starting in high school, and it is so cruel... not because of homosexuality, but the presumption of a male-oriented sexuality - attraction defined from a man's perspective. I felt so lonely and so isolated for so many years (into my mid thirties in fact) because nobody actually checked whether their assumptions were accurate or not.

I love women, and sometimes men, but I can never love them as a man would, only from a woman's perspective and that is fundamentally different. Thankfully, there are people like my partner out there who understand our plight, so I no longer worry about dying alone and entirely misunderstood <3

For me personally, it has varied a lot over time. I've been on HRT for three years. Last year, I reached a "stalled" point in my transition, where it felt like I wasn't making any progress. But my goodness, six months later my boobs are bigger and rounder, I seem to be getting actual curves, and I have so many tasks I'm working on: voice therapy, surgery consultations, began learning makeup, electrolysis, just bought a bunch of outfits I like, and I'm going out in public as my true self - a woman!

I'm feeling euphoria every day now, whereas a year ago it was rare. I recommend not chasing euphoria, but enjoy it when it comes, and otherwise try to live in a comfortable and authentic way for yourself. Build as much of a support network as possible, because it's hard to do this alone. From my partner to my doctors, therapists, friends and allies along the way, they have all helped me find the courage to do this, to fight the dysphoria and discover the euphoria :)

So I just started practicing makeup a few weeks ago. Honestly I found that eyeliner makes the most radical difference for me. It definitely helps me pass, and look even younger. For context I've been on HRT three years and getting electrolysis hair removal for a few months. Very happy with my body right now, but my face still makes me dysphoric.

That's not to suggest eyeliner is the secret to passing, but rather how discovering and perfecting even one thing can make a huge difference. You don't necessarily need to master everything. Like I tried foundation, blush, lipstick, eye shadow and liner for a 'complete look', and it's a nice look, but I don't really need most of that.

Every face is different, makeup will definitely level you up once you discover what works best. Having an AFAB friend to help you out is invaluable.

My advice is start subtle. Don't think of it as covering up your face, or becoming someone else, but rather matching your skin/face's natural qualities. Less is definitely more.