ThatFembyWho

Oh, one more thing. Since you are undecided, I would have sex before deciding if you want to keep it or not. Also don't rush into that. But basically during sex, subconscious thoughts emerge and that may give you a different perspective, more clarity on what you truly want. It's too easy to "imagine" how we'll feel in a situation, especially one we've been programmed to think about, but quite different to experience it in reality.

I would just go for an orchie. Then you don't have to worry about suppressing testosterone ever again. That is a guaranteed easy fix for one problem, and if you think about it, it's also the common aspect of any further surgery you'd want.

In fact that is exactly what I'm doing in a few months.

Who knows, maybe in the future you will be able to afford the surgery you desire. And you'll have time to think about it. This is definitely NOT something to rush into with doubts.

Question, does your state require you to have sex reassignment before a name/gender marker change? If not, you are facing a self-imposed limitation, so it's your choice.

Mine does require it, unfortunately and that makes it a torturous decision for me. I'm hoping that an orchie will be enough. If not, one of the hardest decisions of my life is looming.

Hey I've been there. Not so long ago, I would be on reddit asking variations of "am I really trans?"

And everyone would be like "LOLyes", and I would be like "hmmmok if you say sooo"

I would never, ever, ever go back to testosterone. Estrogen is making my body complete. Even if the rest of my life is a dumpster fire sometimes, I can still love my body <3

My bigger fish to fry? Loneliness and social anxiety. I got the sex and gender bit outta the way. Onto the next challenge.

Oh that hits me right in the feels. I lost my mother last year, before I had the chance to come out to her. So I'll never get to experience that mother-daughter relationship.

But that means I am super happy for you, and my other siblings with supportive parents. That's really beautiful <3 I have tears in my eyes for you too.

Medical gatekeeping sucks. I'm sorry you feel like you can't be honest about yourself. Consider this, you said if you tell your therapist the wrong thing, it could jeopardize access to HRT... that is your main concern. I feel like that alone is a major indicator of your identity. You seem to know your hormones are wrong.

AGP (autogynophilia) is a debunked pseudo-scientific theory. I see that it still exists in your doubts. The notion that trans women exist because we are sexually attracted to women is just wrong lol. That doesn't happen. Unfortunately there are still therapists out there who follow their "feelings" and outdated approaches that are not recommended by WPATH SoC. If you have such a therapist, find another.

People are only telling you that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things, which is the modern scientific understanding. That doesn't mean that you can't be a woman who also finds women and feminine people attractive. You definitely can! Your sexual/romantic attraction implies nothing about your gender.

It's OK to be uncertain about your sexuality. You're only 18! At 18, I was super homophobic and repressed any possibly non-hetero attractions. Now at 40, I know that I am pansexual, with a strong preference for feminine people (but not exclusively). Also I'm demisexual and most likely poly. But it took decades to figure this out.

It's OK to be uncertain about your gender. Have you tried possible affirmations, like a preferred name, pronouns, clothes? How did you feel?

The whole tone of your post reads like a trans woman who is scared to do something or learn something that invalidates her. But we are all different. Even if 100 trans people agree on one thing, that doesn't make it universal.

You are valid.

Just a heads up that certain trans people, and not a small number, will never trust or like you for admitting this.

I, however, am not one of those people. I would much rather someone be honest and talk about how they've changed, than to hide it all or even worse, being a secret LGBTQ nazi.

I know first-hand how they go after disaffected youth. The loners, the outcasts, the frustrated and angry.

Everyone talks about "groomers" these days. What could be worse than convincing kids and young adults to hate others simply for being different: minorities, inmigrants, Jews. That's like the epitome of evil. That is true grooming, and the far-right are experts at using a variety of tactics. In-person grooming, using peer pressure, gangs, to online via social media, cartoons, memes, jokes.

They deflect responsibility for your own life, it's all somebody else's fault, who if eliminated will make everything better and set it back to rights. They take your interests (art, music, books, whatever) and turn it into propaganda, telling you what to think and how to think it.

Anyway thanks for your story, and I'm glad you were able to break free and find your true self :)

I was once tumbling down that same rabbithole, thankfully escaped before I hurt anyone. Now I have a score to settle with those bastards.

Hey just wanted to drop a couple of FACTS:

1. You're a woman.
2. Sounds like you were AMAB, so this makes you trans.
3. You are valid!

Now that's out of the way, have you ever thought about names? How about using pronouns, maybe have your wife try feminine nicknames, pronouns etc with you and see how it feels.

For me, it still feels magical to hear my correct pronouns and names being used <3 Or when my partner calls me a woman, girl, etc. Like is this real, can this be happening?!

Having a supportive partner is one of THE most important things, I mean someone you spend so much time with, who knows you so well, to offer that kind of unconditional acceptance, that's a rare and beautiful thing.

That being said... this is probably a big adjustment for her too. She might need time to fully process things. Don't be surprised if some of the dynamics of the relationship change.

And well, my partner is also super supportive, but like, I think I do annoy them with my obsessive moods lol. Yes, sometimes I'm gonna take 100 selfies because I still can't believe this. Or being mesmerized by how I look with eyeliner for the first time. Or shopping for clothes. Or taking three hours to get ready to go out.

There is so much to do, and I try to make up for all the lost years, but we have to be careful not to overwhelm those around us. Good communication from both sides will do wonders. Remember you both have needs.

Being trans is a lot. It's amazing, it's horrible, exciting, boring, frightening, frustrating, too slow, too fast, the highest highs and the lowest lows. You have some great times ahead, and maybe a few not-so-great, but keep your head up. You got this, girl!

For real you have glorious hair. Like take one big handful of it... that's more than all the hair on my head combined.

There's a lot of potential there.

I also part my hair in the middle by nature, with it falling equally on both sides. I found that I can achieve some really interesting, different looks by side parting, and optionally pinning back the side. Kind of a variation on an "undercut" but I don't really wanna shave off my hair! Braiding seems to be the "trendy" way to do this, but idk how to braid my hair yet.

You could get some hair ties and experiment with pony tail(s) and partitioning your hair in interesting ways. The way I look at this, there are no rules actually when it comes to your style. How people create new trends is just that, breaking existing rules. Goth can overlap with many other styles, western, punk, cyber, industrial, even pastel goths are a thing!

I think the main difference between your selfies is in #1 you are looking down at the camera, in #2 you are looking up. Perspective difference changes the perceived shape of your face. I'm exactly the same way; my favorite selfies are at an angle from above. In fact that's a super common way to take selfies if you ever notice.

Now, why does that matter?

No seriously lol. Why does it matter how you look in selfies. Honey you wanna be your gorgeous self all the time. Nobody is going to see you as a selfie, except on the internet.

So get yourself a lighted vanity if you don't already have one. Put it somewhere comfortable and take a seat (mine is on the kitchen table). This is how you're going to work on your look.

I have had tremendous success with eyeliner. You want a goth look? Eye makeup is a big key to that. My partner gave me their "pencil" which is actually like a cream or something but in shape of a pencil. This tutorial helped me greatly: https://www.wikihow.com/Apply-Eyeliner

As you can see, there are many different types of eyeliner. You don't need anything super fancy or expensive to start.

The other key part is lipstick, dark colors are kinda standard for goth looks. I got a dark purple which is OK... but I think I'll pick a more neutral color next time.

In fact I got a cheap "all-in-one" makeup set with gel eyeliner, blush, eye shadow and lip tint in it. None of it is great, but perfect for learning technique and finding your best colors! I brought my own brush set, a good set helps.

other basic supplies you need: cotton balls, makeup remover wipes, q-tips.

That's such bullshit.

My mom was extremely bitter about some of her experiences as a hospital nurse, certain hospitals had a lot of internal politics and backstabbing that went on. Smile to your face and stab you in the back? Oh yes. Can't remember if she left or was let go, but it didn't end well.

I guess that's true in most fields. Hopefully you won't let a handful of assholes ruin your desire to make the world better.

Though if you do, I can't blame you. I left engineering and software dev forever, after becoming very disillusioned and finding I truly didn't much care for the people or the work. Not at all what I had envisioned.

Thanks for reading and commenting, dude <3 I really should have posted this on the all-gender trans community, because it applies to most of us (not only transfems). Oh well, I'm subbed now so I'll try to be active there too!

Excellent! I knew there was something there, but I lacked the terminology. I will definitely research this more, thanks.

And a podcast called The Gender Rebels? Heck yeah! <3

Ha you found it. I considered rephrasing that, but was lazy and left it as-is.

What I meant was I want to be seen as a woman in other people's eyes. The same way they see a cis woman.

But yes, it is a significant difference to talk about gender in terms of becoming or desiring vs what we already are. Here is my current relationship with these terms:

• I am a woman (gender, internal).
• I want to be seen as a woman (gender/sex, external).
• I am transitioning from male-dominant behaviors and appearance to female-dominant (transgender/transsex, external).
• I am increasingly perceived as a woman (gender/sex, external).

It's complicated. Part of me is the activist, proud and defiant, waving a flag and yelling "trans rights!" The other part would opt for peaceful assimilation into cisgender society, if that were ever truly possible.