EsheLynn

joined 2 years ago
[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 year ago

It's been a year and I still deadname myself when I am frustrated. You'll get there! It was such a good moment for me when the gendered language flipped in my head and started saying some things "right"(like how I wanted to be a voice actress instead of a voice actor). You've been calling yourself a guy for as long as you can remember, and it's all new(ish)! Give yourself grace!

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

As a minneapolite, I would have to recommend Minneapolis! I've seen very little in the way of transphobia, I love my doctors, my kids like their doctors, they like their schools, all in all, moving to Minnesota was the best decision I've made!

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 year ago

Unfortunately, it's quite hard to expat from the US. I've looked into it myself, and, basically, if you aren't some kind of skilled labor, good luck.

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 years ago

Honey, this is your depression acting up again. Talk to your therapist, please. We can't give you the help you need. You are beautiful and loved, and please, take some time for self care. It does wonders for ones mental health.

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 years ago

Here's the thing... Feeling sexy is, well, hot. Feeling good about yourself, can elicit a physical response. It isn't uncommon to get an erection or feel aroused when you feel good about yourself, and euphoria can make you feel very good about yourself.

If you haven't yet, take a look at genderdysphoia.fyi

It's a pretty good read, going through the history and science of gender dysphoria/transgender/two spirit/all that stuff. Good luck on your journey!

 

I was playing one of my "therapy games;" a game that, like, I use for therapy, ya know? I saw a line I hadn't seen:

"Thank you for showing these monsters how to love."

Context aside, it got me thinking, self-reflecting.

I've been trying to "set aside" our arguments, trying to show my brother, my mom I'm still me.

I'm trying to love them, despite how I feel they have slighted me. I'm trying to show them how to love.

Before you write them off completely, try to show the monsters in your life how to love (with healthy boundaries, of course). The results may surprise you.

 

I am having issues letting go of my family. My dad, he's awesome. Bought me a bunch of makeup and nails polish and is just generally wonderful.

My mom and one of my brothers at least are giant thundercunts. My brother cut me out of my nephew's life cuz 8 "is too young to be thinking of gender identity," even though they have been saying "it's a boy" since the ultrasound. My mom is standing up for my brothers parental rights, yet won't even say my brother is being a dickheaded bigot. "Cuz I'm 37 and old enough to fight my own battles"

I want my mom and my brothers. I'm really sad and hurt. I have told them as such. They do not care. How do I cut them out and let them go. It's really hard.

I'm just torturing myself every day, trying to win them over. It hurts that they don't care. I want them in my life, but not if they are going to be filled with so much hate.

Help?

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 years ago

Just goes to show you, I don't know how to take pictures!

 

I just wanted to share that you don't have to be "traditionally beautiful" to be considered a woman. I am a woman. I am aware I don't conform to society's vision of a woman. But I am a woman.

 

So, my kid had a corset they weren't using. They said it was too big. So... They let me try it on and it looks so feminizing, even under a shirt! I put on my sticky nude bra thing with it, and God it feels so good! It may not be much boobage, but hell, I look down and see something other than man-belly now!

Btw, what apps do you use to connect to lemmy? I've been using Connect, but can never seem to upload pics or anything? I wanna show off, I feel cute! 🥺

0
Love vs Support (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) by EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
 

TW: (perceived?) Transphobia

So. I had a shit day yesterday. Doomscrolling my home page on YouTube and found a short. I commented on the author, cuz he seems like he thinks hes some kind of parasocial psychology expert or something, cuz I thought I could give my perspective on my recent transition journey and be met with intelligent discourse.

All I was met with is some variation of "poor wife" or "you aren't telling the whole story." Then the invasion of the shitheels that have been spouting transphobic nonsense here.

Tried to take a bath today to reset my brain. (I get baths now. It's kinda like meditation for me.) I didn't have any tops I felt comfortable wearing, so I went to the thrift store and found.... Nothing.

"How does this relate to the title?" you find yourself asking. Well, if you remember, I made a post the other day about seeing my mom. About thinking it went well.

I asked today if at some point in the future, she would help me learn makeup and nails and whatever.

I think you're confusing with me loving you and accepting this. I'm not supporting this decision

What The Fuck.

The one other person I thought I could go to for help, other than my ex, and I get rejected, again?

I just feel so isolated. I have no female role models to try to help me be myself, no trusted women in my life. Tried going on nextdoor and introducing myself in a gay group, cuz I wanted to try to be involved with my local LGBT group, and was met with "okay, but are you gay?" Even tho I laid out I was trans in my intro post. I guess it was gay in the guys looking for guys sense, not a homosexual support/ friend network like I thought.

I've got an appointment with my social worker (mental health) on the seventh, but this week has got me so fucked up.

I don't want my kids to help me, and I don't know why. I guess it's just my parental mental block, that I'm supposed to take care of them, not the other way around? I just wanted a woman I love and support to love and support me. To learn from the masters haha. I guess I gotta watch YouTube tutorials and ask strangers for fashion advice I guess? Instead of getting personal care from people I thought cared?

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I've been out for a week-ish. I chose it a few days ago. Again, I'm self-aware enough to know to give it some time, I guess I was just wondering if it goes away.

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 years ago (4 children)

It's been little over a week lol. I kinda know I'm jumping the gun a bit, I just want my brain to get on to the same page that I just wanna be me, dammit.

 

When I talk to myself, sometimes I call myself my dead name, or my gender I don't associate myself with. I am self-aware enough to know I've associated myself as male and [name] for thirty-seven years, but it annoys me I haven't made that connection in my brain somewhere that yes, I'm a girl, my name is Eshe. I feel it in my soul, so why is my brain being such an ass?

[–] EsheLynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 years ago

Well, for starters, id probably come clean about starting hormones to your SO. Honesty being the best policy aside, they could help you look out for mood swings and stuff you may not notice on your own.

You did handle it well with your kid. Sometimes they get lazy and just reach for the nearest thing to do their chores, cuz they just wanna get it over with. You know how it is, we were both kids once, and I've got three little assholes of my own to deal with, lol. They mean well. They tried to get the chores done, after all, instead of neglecting it.

Like you told me, just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time if you have to. Take some time to evaluate your emotions, and see if it's worth the energy you are putting into it. I'm glad you recognized it as a mistake, instead of maliciousness. Good luck and Godspeed on your journey. o7

 

She wanted to see me on her lunch break. I was nervous. I warned her I would be in girlmode, and, to be honest, ladies, I don't think I have a boymode any more.

I feel like it went really well. The first thing she did was cry and hug me, telling me I've been through so much. We talked about the subsect of Christians that only have hate. We talked about how I came to this decision. About the kids. About what the next steps forward is. She wanted to really impress on me that she loves me, through and through.

Sometimes, it really is all in your head. Sometimes, I know it isn't. Regardless, you are loved. I wish to formally extend my support and love to whoever needs it. Don't forget, this community, it's for us. We can try to be the support network you need, if you feel like you have no one else to turn to. You all have been so wonderful to me, helping with my questions as I come to terms with myself. Don't be like I used to be, just lurking, afraid to ask. This is our safe space. There are no stupid questions. I love y'all.